Exiled, Kinda
by Venath
Summary: Naruto is exiled from Konoha. The problem? Nobody can figure out why. Tsunade's Mystery Company tries to solve the case, Naruto goes on a quest for ramen, and Sasuke deals with life as Orochimaru's favorite student and guinea pig.


Disclaimer: I clearly don't own Naruto.

An: Just a half-hearted little something. Probably not my best attempt at humor, but I rarely try to do a whole lot of humor in the first chapter. Plus, the idea has been driving me crazy.

_Thoughts_

_**Demon/Inner Conversation**_

**Time Passage:**

* * *

Naruto Uzumaki was confused. It was hardly uncommon, of course. He wasn't exactly what you'd call the sharpest katana in the sheath, and there were a number of things that would confuse him. But this one really took the cake. Somehow or another, he'd been exiled from his village. His hometown. The place he'd been summarily pimp-slapped while fighting off psychotic murderers and hostile invaders time and time again, without ever asking for so much as a thank you. The village that he'd spent several more years training with a crazy perverted old man to protect even further.

He wasn't exactly sure why or how, but it had happened. One minute he'd been stuffing himself with ramen at Teuchi's, and the next he was face down in the dirt with a note attached to his back telling him to "Get his worthless failure demon patoot out of the Sacred Village of Awesomely Awesome Purity", signed by the Hokage herself. To be completely honest, he was totally fine with this. He had no idea when they'd decided to rename Konohagakure the Sacred Village of Awesomely Awesome Purity (Probably the result of a long night of drinking on Tsunade's part), or who had actually kicked him out of the village, but who was he to complain about a free vacation with no restrictions after all the crap he'd been through over the years? He wasn't **that** much of an idiot.

And so with a grin and a full stomach, he began his march towards Sunagakure, fully intent on completing his lifelong goal of sampling every flavor of ramen known to man. Never once did he consider the fact that everyone else he knew was as completely and utterly baffled at how he'd managed to become an exile as well, and that they might want to discuss the issue.

* * *

"I honestly have no idea." The blonde Hokage massaged her temples, trying to get rid of the headache that had been getting steadily worse over the last half hour. Much like Naruto, she had been peacefully relaxing when she was suddenly blindsided with so much chaos and confusion that even Orochimaru, crazy bastard that he was, might be tempted to take pity on her. How in the hell someone had actually managed to forge her signature on a message that was supposedly "exiling" the village's favorite blond idiot, she didn't know. And knowing him, Naruto probably high-tailed it out of there thinking that she'd been drunk when she did it, and that he needed to squeeze as much fun out of this "exile" as possible.

Naturally, this left her to deal with the fallout from Team Seven. To be a bit more specific, it left her to deal with the now raging Sakura and ever-worried Yamato, who had been quite vocal in their protests against the act that she hadn't been involved in to begin with. Of course, they were too busy to pay attention to her repeated attempts to calmly explain this fact.

"Tsunade-sama, how could you-"

"I couldn't, and I didn't."

"Hokage-dono, I don't think this was the proper-"

"Of course it wasn't a proper course of action. That's why I didn't take it."

Perhaps it would have been more effective if she hadn't been keeping her voice low in a desperate attempt to fend off her constantly growing migraine. At the very least, she could be thankful that one of them seemed to be viewing this problem more calmly. Kakashi always had been pretty laid-back, and while she was normally frustrated with his "lazy" attitude, for once she was thankful that the man wasn't as crazy as his students.

"Maybe we should hear her out?"

As for the final member of the team? Sai…Well, frankly he didn't seem to be concerned in the least. His focus, much as it had been recently, was on something far different. As his teammates raged on, he seemed content with making quiet comments to himself under his breath.

"They're so large."

"But Tsunade-sama, he's always-"

"I know he always protected the village, that's why I didn't do anything."

"They look so fluffy and inviting."

"Perhaps we should give Naruto a chance to explain-"

"Explain what? He didn't do anything. That's why I **didn't exile him.**"

"And they're so bouncy."

Her migraine now rearing its ugly head in full force, she reduced her desk to rubble as she raised her voice as loud as she possibly could, leaning forward in the process and unintentionally giving Sai a pleasant view of his most recent obsession.

"For the last time, I didn't exile the little brat!"

And with that, the room was suddenly quiet. Aside from one final comment from the quiet, socially awkward replacement for Sasuke, now clearly audible in the silent room.

"I just want to paint them with icing and lick it off one tongue at a-"

"Pervert!" Ignoring the new Sai-shaped hole in the office wall, courtesy of a red-faced Sakura, Tsunade sat back down in front of the now-ruined desk and looked at the group gathered in front of her.

"Now, I'm going to explain this as clearly as possible. Look me straight in the eyes, and listen to the words that I'm speaking" She took a deep breath, and began explaining slowly.

"I. Did. Not. Exile. Anyone."

Kakashi, calm as always, flipped a page in his book before posing his question. "So the question remains; who signed the message we found? I don't know about any particularly skilled forgers in the village."

"And that," She smiled at them "Is precisely what I want to talk with you about." She pulled a scroll out from the remains of her desk, and began doodling on it for a moment before returning her attention to the team as Sai finally dragged himself back into the room.

"We've got two goals here; retrieve Naruto, and find the person behind this. So we'll be forming two teams." Holding up the scroll for all to see, she pointed towards a picture of a tiny, sharp-toothed Naruto grinning evilly and wearing a black-and-white-striped prison outfit, holding up a bowl of ramen in one hand.

"Kakashi, Sai." The two stood at attention. "You'll be on Team FoxintheBox. Take Team Eight and track Naruto down." Ignoring the bewildered looks that the duo directed at her upon hearing the name, she turned to the others. She pointed towards yet another picture, this one bearing a striking resemblance to Danzo…Aside from the cat-like smile, ears, and whiskers adorning his face, with the words "I R Bad" written in a little word bubble off to the side. Clearly she already had an opinion on who was behind their little problem.

"Yamato, Sai, you'll be on Team SneakyLittlePrick. Find Team Eight, and start investigating the Mystery of the Tricky Note in the Dirt." Ignoring yet another set of confused and mildly disturbed glances, she rolled the scroll up and tucked it into her shirt, much to Sai's joy.

"You're dismissed. Oh, and Sai?" The boy turned back to her before he could make his way towards the door.

"Yes?"

"I'll get back to you on that icing issue."

She watched as Kakashi hauled the now unconscious and drooling boy over his shoulder with amusement, then let out a sigh of frustration as she realized that her little tantrum had not only left her desk in shambles, but that it'd apparently taken all of her paperwork with it.

* * *

**Otogakure...**

"Oh Sasuke-kuuuuun, I've got something to show you!"

The voice of the legendary shinobi that had been training him for the last few years was unusually cheery today, and not in the mocking or sadistic way that it often was. No, this was a different kind of cheer. The kind of unrestrained, overwhelming glee that, from anyone else, would likely draw smiles and curiosity. A cheer that, from Orochimaru, sent terrified shivers down the spines of anyone and everyone capable of hearing it.

It didn't help that Orochimaru had promptly slung his arm around his young apprentice as soon as he caught sight of him.

"So how have you been today, Sasuke-kun?"

"…Good."

"That's excellent! How's training been?"

"Okay, I guess."

"Soooo…Wanna have a treat?"

"What?" Was that what this was about? Some kind of reward? That didn't sound much like his new sensei, but…

"Yep, a treaty-weety for my little Sasuke-kun."

Now Sasuke wasn't **always** the most observant, but most of the time he could notice things even when others couldn't. And as his sensei sat next to him, arm around his shoulder with an overly-large smile that didn't suit him at all, his senses started screaming that it might be time to leave the premises. Immediately. As his sensei removed his arm and reached down towards the sash around his waist, Sasuke was fully prepared to bolt at the first sign of trouble.

"Oh yes, I think you'll like this treat a lot. I promise, it'll be yummy in your tummy, lip-smackin' good. Give me just a minute here…Sasuke-kun?" The pale man glanced around the room with a snake-shaped lollipop in his hand, wondering where his apprentice had gotten off to.

"Well that was rude of him." He glanced at the small treat, and began to rub it against his cheek affectionately. "Don't worry wittle buddy, soon we'll have people buying you by the millions. There won't be a person on the planet that doesn't have Oro-Brand Hissy Pops in their homes! Now, we just need to find someone to test you on. Let's see…"

It only took a moment for the next name to pop into his mind, he didn't have that many to choose from after all, and he began skipping towards the hall with uncontrollable joy, much to the terror of the few minions that actually stayed in this particular lair.

"Oh Kabuto-kuuuun!"

Much like the dark-haired boy before him, Kabuto Yakushi decided that the day ahead was probably going to be a very, very long one.

* * *

AN: Well, that's all there is to it for now. Not sure if I'll continue or not. I mostly just wanted to get it out of my head so I could put a little more focus on other things. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed. If I keep going with this, the other chapters will probably focus more on the humor part.


End file.
